The Dawning of Conscious Awareness of a Person with a Horrific Toddlerhood

What would be the life experience of an adult whose toddlerhood had been brutalized before the dawning of her conscious awareness? There are no physical marks, no clues, no memories of the horrors to be seen and no knowledge of the abuser. The child grows up oblivious to the abuser’s existence and believes she knows everything about her past. All she has are recurring psychological experiences that she believes are ‘normal’ for she has known no different.

I can answer this question for I have lived through this experience.

Not only that, but I kept a diary between 1977 and 1988. During my scribblings, I was completely unaware of my horrific past. What would be revealed within such a diary? The answer surprised and horrified me; beneath an apparently normal record of day-to-day life were sinister messages I simply didn’t see.

Art work I completed during Art College in 1984. I was 19.

Secret Diaries

My diaries describe my final years at school, my years at college, university and marriage. Being the carrier of horrors within my subconscious, I was forever diverting myself in order to run away from something without a name. I took part in countless creative projects including fiction writing, painting and others. It was my creative outpourings that eventually got the message through and caused me to examine my diaries.

The aim of this blog is to share with you how I came to uncover the truth about  my toddlerhood and what my diaries have revealed.

Due to the nature of this blog, I have had to change names in order to protect identities and I an writing under a pseudonym.

The moment I learned the truth

How I learned about my toddlerhood
My book Mirror Image Shattered
About my diaries
Links to my other articles