I have been gleaning my novels looking for clues about the
day my twin had cut her face at the age of 4. I had dashed out of the cottage on seeing blood. It would appear that my novels are expressing
traumas that I have stored in my subconscious.
I discover recurrent elements within scenes: broken glass,
disfigured faces, characters dashing north to a hideout and terrible guilt. I
am astounded at what I have found within my novels.
A New Ugly Picture
During the reading of my final novel, Nadia, I discover the inclusion of a character I had based on my Uncle Dan.
I wonder why I had put him there. He wasn't present during Eve's accident and he rarely visited the cottage. I assumed he had nothing to do with me, as I was only 3 when he stayed.
The following is an abridged excerpt from my book Mirror Image Shattered.
I wonder why I had put him there. He wasn't present during Eve's accident and he rarely visited the cottage. I assumed he had nothing to do with me, as I was only 3 when he stayed.
The following is an abridged excerpt from my book Mirror Image Shattered.
"The next scene in my novel is about to unearth a
horrific memory I had buried for almost 50 years. After reading it, the
memory opens up to me. It is silent and everything in my brain appears to shut
down.
I put the pen down and lay on my side.
I feel sick."
The time had been around 10pm, 21 October 2016. Until then, I
truly believed I had lived a cosseted life in the cottage with only my
siblings, parents and occasionally Nan. Dad’s mental illness, poverty and Mum’s
depressive moods appeared to explain my intrusive thoughts and a childhood
familiar whom I called Aidan. I believed I had lost my virginity at age of 19
to my third boyfriend.
On seeing Eve's unconscious form on Mum's lap after her trip to the hospital, I had seen a man's face rise in my chest. This had been a somatic memory of my uncle, only I didn't know what it was at the time. I had believed the man had been imaginary. Horribly, he had been real.
The sight of my identical twin's unconscious body had 'reminded' me of how I had looked after being suffocated by my uncle.
The sight of my identical twin's unconscious body had 'reminded' me of how I had looked after being suffocated by my uncle.
I would later learn that Mum’s half-brother had
installed himself in our cottage, not for a few days, but for over a year in 1968. My twin Eve and I were
mere toddlers at the time.
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| Sleeping arrangements when my uncle stayed in our cottage 1968 (Mirror Image Shattered) |
The upper image shows the sleeping arrangements when my uncle first came to stay. We had bunks and he slept in the guest room. The lower image shows where would sleep later in the year: in a partition room next to ours.
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