I am about to uncover something truly horrific about my
toddlerhood. The circumstances that led to this discovery are somewhat complex
but incredible. All of it is true. This condensed version is told in 10 parts
following this prologue. However, the full story can be found within my book, Mirror Image Shattered.
This is what I thought I knew about myself until the age of
51.
I am an identical twin and daughter to troubled but
well-meaning parents. The cottage that I grew up in was cramped, as I have four
other siblings and we had little money. But Dad knew about basic renovation and
he built an extension with a guestroom where Nan used to stay.
When I was 4, Dad quit the family business and
worked nights for an electrical company. But the brutal hours proved too much and he became mentally ill. We were plunged into
abject poverty. Soon, he developed psychotic episodes with violent outbursts
and an addiction to tranquilizers. Being so ill, he took the guestroom and Nan
could no longer stay there.
The following is an excerpt from Mirror Image Shattered:
"Mum appeared the survivor under adversity. She
was a fierce, matriarchal, and overprotective woman who upheld routine such as
school and church. On a severe budget, she made her purse-strings go for miles
and performed miracles at Christmases and birthdays."
Of course, I looked up to her.
But of all my siblings, I resembled Dad the most. When I was disobedient, Mum used to tell me I was just like him. It hurt, but I could see the resemblance for myself. I shared his features, his demeanor and creative inclinations. Worse, I feared I would become mentally ill like him and be a bad parent myself. For this reason, I didn’t start a family until my late thirties.
My Diary Years
A chaotic childhood with a mentally ill parent appeared to
explain my lifelong intrusive thoughts and a dirty-blame feeling that used to
afflict me for weeks on end. No one but my twin Eve knew about it, for these
experiences so distressed me.
 |
| My diaries contain lots of information throughout the late seventies and eighties |
The diaries I kept between 1977 and 1988 allude to my inner
turmoil for the numerous diversions I employed: oil painting, jigsaws,
toy-making, doll pantos, a weather project, astronomy, entertaining younger
siblings and many more. But novel writing in particular was the most prevalent.
I had a secret childhood familiar called Aidan whom I kept drawing and who lived
within an alternative reality within me. In my teens, my kiddie mysteries would
evolve into psychological thrillers fuelled by his fate within my secret
fantasy world.
The following is an abridged excerpt from Mirror Image Shattered.
“My diary shows my weather readings, stuff about my exams, degree, jobs,
moving house and details of literary agents. At times, I seem a bit of a
sad-case, moaning about my periods, turbulent social life and boyfriends.
Between the pages, I could tell I struggled
with growing up within a hectic household. I had the sense of
living a boot-camp of emotional experiences - highs as well as lows."
The cottage-times were rather Jekyll
and Hyde. When times were good, they were great, when they were bad, they were
terrible, but being an identical twin formed a buffer for whatever life had to
throw at me.
My challenging childhood toughened me into adulthood, developing
a down-to-earth and practical approach. Being close to my siblings, we often
reminisce on the good times: the playhouse, bike rides, Christmases and family
gatherings. But rose-tinted glasses can be misleading.
My Adulthood
So, I thought I had turned out ‘ok’ after a difficult start
in life. I had attained a BA Fine Art Degree from City University, held
several jobs, married an art student Mark and maintained a flat. I continued writing
and painting and even made a little money from it.
My life finally settled down 2 years after my divorce from
Mark. I am at present living contentedly with my partner Paul and three
children. I had laid to rest old childhood grievances and received a
spot of counseling for my intrusive thoughts. I have also proved to myself,
that I can be a decent parent after all.
So how did I uncover the horrors of my toddlerhood? This
story is a little complex and is told in 10 parts following this prologue. This
next part explains how it all began.
In order to protect identities, I have changed names and
certain details, but this story is otherwise entirely accurate. Part 1 forms the first part of this story.
No comments:
Post a Comment