When I was 51 years old, I discovered something terrible about my toddlerhood.
My unearthing occurred on the 26 October 2016 at around 10pm. Until that moment, I truly believed I had lost my
virginity at 19 after an innocent and sheltered childhood. In fact I had lost it when I was 3.
My discovery did not bring psychological cataclysm
but silence, utter silence. All thoughts fell from my mind and all cognition
shut down.
I had been reading via a bedside lamp at the time. I
stopped and slowly lowered myself. I remained frozen for hours, not wanting to
go to sleep. And yet somehow, I eventually did.
This terrible unearthing formed the end result to a chain of events that is somewhat complex and has been explained a 10-part article.
Dawning of Consciousness
For now, the door had been opened. Further discoveries would inevitably follow. Over the next few weeks, I would discover I had been suffocated, drowned and brutalized in other horrific ways – all during my toddlerhood.
Until the age of 51, I believed I knew
everything about my past. I was born to troubled parents and shared the cottage
only with them, my siblings and occasionally Nan. In fact my rapist, my
mother’s half-brother lived with us for over a year, moving in when I was 2 and
moving out when I was 3 – prior to the development of my conscious awareness.
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| My artwork veiling loss of innocence |
All memories of him had been stowed out of reach, but they were there in the dark where I couldn’t see. I remained oblivious to my uncle’s stay until I was about 8, when references to him were occasionally made by my parents. By then, I would fail to make any connection between him and my odd psychological experiences that I had come to believe were ‘normal’.
I had known no different.
For this reason, I would fail to make the connection
for 5 decades. I would grow up within a house where the horrors occurred,
believing the walls had witnessed nothing more than a toddler developing in a
normal fashion within a safe haven.
This blog is not about me, but about the question of
what life would be like for an adult whose toddlerhood had been brutalized without
her conscious awareness. I wish to share with you what my life experience has
been like.
Incredibly, within a few weeks of that horrific dawning,
I would know an awful lot about my toddlerhood.
How can this be possible? I was only 3 when he
moved out.
In fact it is very possible due to my creative outpourings
and the diaries I kept between 1977 and 1988.
My diaries have revealed hidden messages which I
shall share with you.
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